“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” ~Maya Angelou

I am now a full time Zumba instructor and it is very exciting and scary at the same time. I am my own boss, have been for almost a month now….and I do kick ass as a boss. I demand a lot of myself, always try to do better and sometimes I feel like writing myself up. The best thing is that I am getting paid for something I enjoy doing. I have to admit that I am still not used to not having a 9 to 5 job….and sometimes I feel that I am on vacation. Maybe I am in shock…who know’s, but the best reward is to be able to enjoy my kids a lot more. Have the flexibility to eat lunch with them at school, to pick them up afterwards and enjoy them much more. Traveling is being checked off my bucket list as well. I have gone to Florida and most recently New York . Funny really, when I think about it….I was a Texan in Manhattan and loved it! Definitely going back. I have met awesome friends and I am indeed blessed for the amazing people in my life, I feel that each and everyone of them came into my life for a reason. I am enjoying every moment in my life, I happily get up in the morning give thanks and I am very open to the unexpected. The good and the bad, for it was the worst moments in my life that taught me a lot and made me appreciate all the great things in my life. I don’t take anything for granted. So what’s next on the bucket list for this Texan?……skydiving! YES!, you read right… From COMFORT ZONE to DROP ZONE!  Can’t wait to post all about it!

“We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly” ~Sam Keen

Men and women play games all the time. Those who deny this are not being honest. I admit to playing games, I have pretended not to care if someone calls  in fear of sounding too needy, but think how good that person would feel if I were to tell him how glad I was he called.  I think we should just be more open with the person we care about. This goes for friendships also, not just relationships. You should be honest and be able to share everything, your likes and dislikes, your dreams and your fantasies. If your significant other loves you, then he would want to make you happy. So tell him that you like it when he sends you text messages at work or surprises you at lunch, if he doesn’t do these things tell him that you would like for him to do these things. It’s a new year and being a hopeful romantic, I anticipate finding love, but I am in no rush and I will not settle this time.  This person will have to be my best friend and be totally open and honest with me and definitely love me as much as I love them. I don’t want him to think I am perfection, but I want to be HIS perfection. I will let him know that even though I like to walk on the beach that my fantasy is for both of us to dance in the rain. To my awesome friend who inspired this post….you will find your love I am sure of it.

“An extremely outstanding or unusual event, thing or accomplishment” is Webster’s definition of the word “Miracle”.

I believe that we experience miracles each and every day. There are things that happen in our lives that we can not explain. I feel that miracles both great and small happen for a reason.

“You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one. Each day is a different one, each day brings a miracle of it’s own. It’s just a matter of paying attention to this miracle.” ~Paulo Coelho

Fall,  my favorite season, is a great example of miracles. The leaves changing colors is a miracle in itself and a beauty to me. Friends who have come into my life are miracles to me, and some of my best friends came to me when I was at my lowest. You really have to open your eyes and see the everyday miracles.

Miracles can be as great as when my dad had trouble with his health, losing a great amount of blood without being able to diagnose the problem and just getting better for no reason. Miracles can also be as silly as you want them, it was a miracle I didn’t slap the last “non date” guy I went out with, when he was getting to0 fresh with me….he actually lived to be rejected. (it was funny to me, he knew it wasn’t a date! lol)

I have experienced many miracles in my life, but I am human and not perfect by any means. There are times I forget to open my eyes to my every day miracles. I am lucky however to have a constant reminder at home with me…..my boys…..my three miracles….my life.

I was going on and on about Mexico’s independence that morning. I had my a little “fiesta” going, I had music playing and was singing as long  as my lungs could take and as loud as my dog could take. (For a while there I thought he was joining in my singing with his howling, but later realized it was a cry for me to stop)

When I stopped abusing my dog, I realized that I was never this passionate about people knowing about Mexico’s culture. Then the true independence day emerged, I fought back tears realizing that it had been a year since I officially became an independent woman. This crazy party for one, was not in Mexico’s honor, I was celebrating me. Damn it! I do LOVE me!

Learning to be me and love myself, was the biggest challenge this past year. I had to discover who the hell I was, which is hard when looking in the mirror seemed like a chore. The few people who told me I couldn’t do it on my own, gave me the drive to keep going forward, and I have no hard feelings, I would actually like to thank them. My kids were and will always be my inspiration to live life, because of them I have no obstacles in my path, just challenges. I like what I see in the mirror.  I see an individual with her own identity and a lot of determination.

“The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.”         ~Ayn Rand

This past year, was a very long emotional roller coaster ride with bumps, turns and nausea. I get off this roller coaster with a light headed, but ready to get in line again. Even though this ride was hell, I would do it all over again… for I had a huge  smile at the end.

Well today was not one of those days for me.  I woke up late, kids were grumpy, made it to work late and there was tension at work.  Everything that could go wrong, did.  The start of that day, set the tone for the rest of the day.

After work, my bad mood followed me all the way home.  I was on auto-pilot all afternoon, just going through the motions not really interacting as much with the kids, like usually would. I decided to do laundry after dinner, while the kids were playing. I started the dryer, and few seconds later,  it made a weird screeching sound. (Sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard) The dryer kept stopping  after a few seconds of being turned on.

I of course, did what anybody in my position would do, I acted like I knew what I was doing. I did everything from unplugging and plugging it back in, jumping on it to shake it, and pressing all the buttons.  I checked to see if anything had been caught by the door.  I pronounced the dryer dead, after the third time I kicked it.

My two year old and I went to the laundromat to dry the clothes. I found out the hard way, that taking a two year old to the laundromat was a big mistake, let’s just say that my patience was tested. Not wanting to fail this test, I decide to relax and laugh at the situation. I played with my son, while the clothes were drying. And I loved every minute of it.

When we arrived home, I checked the dryer again. The screeching sound was gone and the dryer was working fine.  My oldest son said,  “Mommy, maybe that was just a sign that you needed time away from us, you know.”  He said this, while trying not to laugh.  I told him, that I didn’t want to get away from them.  I did point out, that if I did want to get away, It would definitely be at the beach, with them playing nearby.

“A child can always teach an adult three things: to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and to know how to demand with all his might that which he desires.”   Paulo Coelho

At ten years old, my son  plainly stated the lesson that I received that day. Things will look brighter if you greet them with a smile, and you will be able to handle them a lot better.

I will be at the beach in the near future.  I will relax in the sun, and maybe read some books, while the kids play nearby.  A cabana boy will be waiting on me,  of course.  I will demand with all my might what I desire!

p.s.  That’s a picture of my future cabana boy doing my laundry…..all my whites are pink, but isn’t he cute!

My boys are with their dad for two weeks, and for some people it might not be that bad, yet for me it seems like an eternity. They were going to go out of town for those two weeks, but it did not work out as planned. I would be lying to you, if  I told I was disappointed.

I dread coming home to an empty house, so I have stayed at work longer. Visiting family was becoming an everyday event, but I know I have to stop. I have to face the emptiness and silence of the house, but I have to face myself.

I need to look at myself in the mirror and love what I see. My loved ones are very supportive and encouraging. Having a great support has helped, but being comfortable by myself, and learning to love the silence, is my goal. Taking the steps to loving myself has been hard, but I know my boys will benefit from it.

I Started taking Zumba fitness classes twice a week, at a local fitness center. My friends are taking the same class, so it gives me chance to really laugh out loud and release some of the stress. The hardest thing was to acknowledge that I was worth that hour of  “me” time.

A loved one, gave me some assignments to help with the learning process. This week’s assignment, was to read the book “Mastery” by George Leonard. Loved the book, it was as if that book was written especially for me. It made me see things differently, my favorite quote from the book is

” When you are climbing a mountain, be aware that the peak is ahead, but don’t keep looking up at it. Keep your eyes on the path. And when you reach the top of the mountain, as the Zen saying goes, keep on climbing. “

There are  speed bumps on my path of learning to love myself, and I know there would be more to come. I sometimes glance up at the peak ahead, and I smile, for I see three handsome men smiling back with their arms wide open, loving what they see. They are my inspiration.

Lately I have been feeling like the world is caving in on me. I feel that the more I try to accomplish the less I do. Even though I am surrounded by friends and family that love me, I am in my own little world.

I have three little ones that are my inspiration and motivation, they are everything to me, they are my life!
Because of them, putting on a happy worry-free face is a daily task, one that I have come to master.

My boys go with their father every other weekend and they have a blast. They are now used to the fact that every time they go with him it is guaranteed fun.

Going to fun outings, buying toys and going out to eat, is routine when they are with their dad. It has not been a competition to see who gives them more with us because I wouldn’t stand a chance!
I let them have their fun with dad, with no disapproval on my part, they know that when they are with me, there are limitations.

I’m a good provider of my kids’ needs, while their dad is a great provider of their wants. My kids don’t know what is going on as far as my challenges of paying bills, mortgage and necessities, they know that with me they are not going to get a “yes”, and they are okay with that.

They do not know of course that the reason that their dad is the “yes” parent is because he doesn’t have a mortgage and bills that I have (he lives with his parents right now to save money) Even though he helps his parents out, it doesn’t compare with what I have to deal with.

Knowing all this, I do not hold a grudge. I am learning all I can about internet marketing, I have started selling cosmetics for some extra income, while working a full time job as a dental assistant. Don’t have a fancy car, it’s somewhat decent and it takes me from point A to point B. Might not be a “smooth ride” like my oldest will say, but it sure does have a great “custom faded paint job” (line I took from the movie “Transformers” What can I say I do have three boys!)

Knowing we have to live life and not settle for fear of the unknown, I try to make the best with what we have. Few know that sometimes I wish I was still married because of comfort and security. I have my ups and my downs, but we are not poor by any means, we are blessed in many ways.

My oldest son told me that he wished I was rich one night while driving home. I told him that his wish had come true for I am the richest person on earth. He looked at me bewildered and I said
“I am rich baby, I have you and your brothers in my life!”
For that I couldn’t be happier!

Some will get mad at me, others will feel compassion and many will laugh for what I’m confessing.

I pulled my six year old’s two front teeth out. Might not be out of the ordinary until you read the following……so here goes.

It’s Thursday night and my six year old is brushing his teeth. It is quite funny sight, since his two front teeth keep flapping back and forth.

Admiring from the distance, thinking my baby is growing up before my eyes, suddenly panic sets in!

Tic……
toc……….
tic…………….
toc…………………..
Time Is Running Out!

Tonight will be the last chance I will have to pull these teeth out since he is going with his dad tomorrow.

I don’t feel bad for my selfish behavior. These teeth are ready to come out. (Trust me I am a registered dental assistant!)

I run to get the floss, paper towel and desensitizing gel. I get to it. All the flapping teeth needed was some gel, a wiggle here and there, and a quick pull with the floss.

YES! They are both out! My son is happy. He has been wanting these teeth out for the longest time. 

Then he stares at me for what seemed like ages. (It was really more like thirty seconds… tic, toc)
Is he in shock? Is he so happy?

My son is speechless.
Or maybe he is looking at me with disapproval in his eyes?

It felt like he had me under a magnifying glass(see image above for reference). After feeling guilty for thirty seconds, I came to my senses!

I did nothing wrong. My baby hugged me and thanked me for finally pulling those teeth. He placed the teeth in a bag and they were safely placed underneath his pillow.

When this tooth fairy goes to retrieve the teeth and place money under the pillow, she will feel no guilt. NONE! He was with his father when another baby tooth fell out. I  simply wanted to be there for this one.

Didn’t want to miss it. Wasn’t going to miss it.

Am I crazy? Do I need help?

Maybe, but do not have time to answer that, for this tooth fairy needs to leave money under the pillow before she forgets!

Years later, I fully understood why I pushed myself to surpass everybody’s expectations…..

My mom always showed me off as the “straight A’s” daughter, the “always cleans her room” daughter, the “very respectful” daughter, and so on. That was her way of telling me she loved and was proud of me, without directly letting me know of course.

My mom was born in Mexico, her upbringing was very strict and even though she was loved, she was not told she was. It’s not that my grandparents were mean, they just did as they were taught growing up themselves. They didn’t know any better.

I promised myself that I would break this chain when I had kids, the chain has been broken. My oldest is ten years old and I tell him I love him everyday, even more than three times a day. You might say I went overboard, but maybe he can balance it out better with my grand kids.

The journey to finding and loving myself though, was very hard. Thought it was selfish, thought I was wasting that love on me instead of someone else. I found out that the people I love the most benefit more if I love myself. Now…..I can’t get enough of me!

Jonathan, Damian and Nicholas is how I introduce my sons. Won’t give you a list of their many accomplishments, but I will tell you this….
“They are my LIFE!”